This Crap Ticks Me Off . . . customer service hardly means customer service. Here are the top five reasons:

1. No one answers the telephone anymore.
We live in the “Now Generation.” We want things now, expect things now, and need things now. As technology meets these needs in a very timely fashion, our expectations of “now” increase dramatically. Suddenly what used to be known as “now” isn’t fast enough. We need receive our emails faster, obtain our connections faster, and find a cure faster. Surprisingly enough, we usually get our way. And with technology advancing at a compounding rate, we can easily replace thousands of payroll dollars with the latest and greatest automated answering service. On the flipside, we end up neglecting our customers, leaving them aggravated and feeling as if they were standing at the license bureau with a paper stub.

2. Telephone systems do more transfers in a day than most banks do in a year.
How many times have you made a transfer at the bank and the teller looks at you and makes the obnoxious sound of a dial tone? No matter how savvy you might be with automated answering systems, being transferred to another department is inevitable – and being disconnected in the process usually is too. And when you get transferred, Jennifer can’t help you but gives you the telephone number of another department to call. Refer to #1 here.

3. "0” only repeats the main menu options.
Options 1 through 8 are not relevant departments for your dilemma. In hopes of reaching any human life form available, you press “0.” This option results in the same monotone recording of options 1 through 8. Refer to #1 here.

4. Companies forfeit customers rather than providing minuscule credits or replacement parts.
Both you and the customer service representative agree the rules were a little confusing. Or, even though you paid your bill in full and on time, some how finance charges were applied to your account. Worse yet, you purchase a product that doesn’t turn out to work as intended and you are required to pay a 15% restocking fee. It’s simple. Treat others as you would like to be treated. Yes, business is business and pennies make dollars, but if the customer didn’t receive the proper explanation of the rules up front, at least try to come up with a fair compromise. If the customer has an excellent payment history and misses the online deadline by an hour, remove the $50.00 finance charge and keep them a happy customer. And if a customer bought a product that doesn’t work as intended, return it and suggest an alternative. Repeat business is huge business. And huge business could mean huge dollars for your company.

5. SOS employee training programs.
These are what I call, “Sink Or Swim” training programs. Companies throw employees into the water with a few instruction manuals, an outline of company policies, and a wish of good luck. Companies follow the mentality if the job is relatively simple, the training should be relatively simple. If the job is relatively complicated, the person in position is being paid enough to figure it out along the way. Furthermore, college educated new hires should know the company before they inquire within. Here it is folks: training is training and experience should be considered superfluous. I might be college educated, but I wouldn’t have the slightest idea on the best way to run a McDonald’s kitchen or even the register for that matter. I’m sure I could figure it out, but why sacrifice customer satisfaction in the process? No matter how knowledgeable the person, take the time to train your employees properly. You’ll spend more time developing new business and less time apologizing for bad business.

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Customer service means providing service to your customers. What kind of service, meaning quality of service, does your company want to provide to your customers? If this question cannot be answered promptly and precisely, I can almost guarantee one of your customers is being dissatisfied at this very moment. If you can answer this question, are you sure this vision is being implemented throughout various departments of the company? And are those procedures relevant to each department in the same way? I understand it is nearly impossible to have all ducks in a row at every place every time. But what can you “do better” to make sure your ducks are at least wading in the same pond, and when they are not, maintain customer satisfaction while they migrate?

Maybe people won't mind all the crap around the duck pond if helping them through it is implemented in your business plan.

This Crap Ticks Me Off . . . Weekends that go by way too fast (and don't restart when I close my eyes and click my heels together).

Gas and Crap

This Crap Ticks Me Off . . . Why haven't utility companies figured out how to take advantage of today’s technology when it comes to reading meters?

Scientists have figured out how to store hydrogen as a solid to ease the complications of fuel cell technology. Baby dolls are completely interactive including voice recognition technology. Pocket PCs that not only call our clients but update our blogs and send e-mail. What the hell does the gas man still “need to come in” my house to physically read a meter for?

A man, dressed in a blue jumpsuit and reflector vest came to my door the other day. "GAS MAN! Here to read the meter!" Startled, I thought, ok dude, read the meter, it's OUTSIDE. Moments later, deja vue sets in and I hear a second loud knock on the door and the same bellowing cry, "GAS MAN! Here to read the meter!"

I've watched the news; I've read the headlines. Mentally disturbed individuals are posing as utility workers in order to gain access to residences. So my question remains, why the crap haven't the utility companies taken advantage of technology to perfect the system in order to protect their customers and lose the bad rap?

I told the person I was talking to on the phone the gas man was at my door and "needed to come inside." I set the phone down with the person waiting on the other end of the line.

When I cautiously answered the door and asked him for identification, I looked him over with scrutiny. He seemed to have the right clothing and getup, but I'm sure the terrorists of September 11th looked pretty damn normal too. He could see that I was suspicious; He held out both of his badges, explained he was here to verify the numeric value of the inside meter matched the outside meter and he was following normal procedure.

Crap.

My dumb @ss let him in.

Mom, I know, I screwed up.

He walked downstairs, me carefully trailing behind, and he looked for the meter. I asked him how often it is required to inspect the inside of the home. He said, "Every three years." I asked, "Isn't there a meter outside to verify my usage?" He responded, "Yes, but we have to be sure the inside meter actually matches what the outside meter shows." He made a few notes, mumbled a few words to himself, and said he was finished. In my mind, I silently thanked him for not making any false moves - gutting a human like a deer is not something I'd like to add to my resume.

He went back outside and just before I closed the door, he said he was unable to find the outside meter. I pointed in the direction of my other meters on the side of the house and told him he was going to have to figure it out from there. I'm not sure I could have locked my door any faster.

Through the window, I noted another man in a hooded sweatshirt walking up my driveway. The two men began talking, pointing and walking around my house. I also noted there was no identifiable utility truck in site, only a white van with a ladder a few houses down the street. Eventually, he came back to my side door and called out they were finished.

Amen.

Maybe everything was legit and there was nothing for me to be concerned about. Maybe it was the 10 inch buck knife underneath the back of my shirt that became exposed as I moved the dog cage out of the way of the meter downstairs. I don't know and I don't care. What I do know is that utility workers belong outside and they are not coming inside ever again.

How? I called the gas company to find out the options. It appears you can say no thanks to the gas man that comes to your door and call the gas company directly to have one of their employees come out. Oh, you thought the guy that comes to your door is an employee already?

Crap.

They are subcontracted through the gas company to come out and read your meter. Next time, turn them away, call the gas company for an appointment, and make sure you either have someone home with you or you have your own "Home Alone" personal militia in place.

Unlimited Crap

This Crap Ticks Me Off . . . cell phone providers* that promise unlimited services. Take heed of the information I am about to share with you, Mr. Cell Phone Picture Sender. The only thing that is truly unlimited is 1. the amount of times certain cell phone providers are allowed to change the rules and 2. the pile of crap for customer service that seems to be growing exponentially.

With the help of my good friend M. Webster, let me first help educate the cell phone providers* by defining the word unlimited: something that does not constrain or refine, not to reduce in quantity or extent. While I realize that definition must be excrutiatingly painful for our master mind marketers at the big bad cell phone companies, I can guarantee the inequitable charges are far more harrowing (not to mention deceitful) to their customers.

Here it is in lamens terms: Certain cell phone providers* promise 'unlimited' picture and text messages to 'in network' customers pending that the customer sign up for a monthly picture and text messaging package in additional to their regular monthly service. This added picture and text messaging service usually runs about an additional ten dollars a month. But what they DON'T tell you is that while you can send as many pictures and texts as you would like to 'in network' customers, it uses up one minute of your airtime for every picture you send regardless of who you send it to, regardless of what picture and text messaging plan you have, regardless of the size of the shovel you carry around to clean up of all this B.S.

So let me give you a scenario. You have a monthly plan that gives you 100 minutes of talk time per month. You have also decided it is more economical to add a picture and text messaging package as an additional way to communicate (in which most users enjoy texts and pictures to communicate rather than using airtime minutes during peak hours). So the month goes by and you have spent 95 minutes of airtime talking to your other half, your boss, your kids. In that same month, you decided to send your other half (who is 'in network') 5 pictures of your hott bod in the shower, 5 pictures of your boss sleeping at his desk to a one of your coworkers (who is also 'in network'), and 5 pictures of your kids to their aunt (who is also 'in network'). That's a total of 15 pictures to 'in network' customers.

Get your shovels - here is where it gets deep. Even though you have an 'unlimited' picture and text messaging plan where you can "send as many pictures and texts as you want to 'in network' customers," you've already used 95 minutes of talk time.

95 talk time minutes + 15 pictures sent 'in network'
at a charge of 1 minute = 110 minutes

This puts you OVER your plan minutes by 10.

Any additional minutes are billed at a normal peak rate,
anywhere between 35 - 50 cents a minute.

You will now be billed for those 'additional minutes'
at the normal peak rate.

And it gets even more stinky. Imagine if you were to send 50 pictures a month in this same scenario, because after all, you thought unlimited was unlimited . . . so you were not only sending pictures of your hott bod, your boss, and your kids, but pictures of something funny you saw at the mall that you knew your best friend would love to see. Sure, why not. Capture and send. After all, unlimited is unlimited right?

Crap.

And the sickest, most frustrating thing about it is that when you call the cell phone providers* to see if I, myself, am giving you a line of crap about this whole deal, they won't give you a straight answer. Why? Because no one really knows.

Meet Jane:

"Jane"** was promised a credit of some $300.00 on her cell phone bill for this similar situation. The customer service rep said that the reason she went over her minutes was because of all of the pictures she had sent that month. Jane explained that she had the 'unlimited package' just for that purpose alone. The sales rep agreed and promised her a credit. Two weeks later there was only a $50.00 a credit to be found.

Jane called customer service again and asked to speak to a supervisor. The supervisor agreed Jane should not have been charged the extra airtime because she had the 'unlimited package.' The supervisor said he would post the credit to Jane's account and call her back at 1:30 to confirm. No credit posted. No call at 1:30.

The third time Jane called, she asked to speak to a supervisor again and explained the situation. The supervisor said her account would be under review and he would follow up with Jane in a week. Guess what happened? Exactly.

The fourth time Jane called, nearly irate and tired of pushing buttons to reach someone, she demanded to speak to someone above a supervisor. That supervisor informed her the review her account was completed and Jane would not be receiving any credit on her account. Jane was very upset and explained the situation and the supervisor said that he would put the account under a second review.

In the end, I won't bore you with further details of how Jane continued to pay her bill each month in order to stay current, or how many times she called . . . but eventually Jane was told her account was somewhat blacklisted to receive no further attention to the matter and her phone would be disconnected if payment was not made in full within seven days.

Three days later when Jane called to make a payment over the phone, the customer service rep said her phone had been disconnected. Reconnection fees would apply. Jane explained she was told the time frame to pay was seven days, not three. The customer service representative's response was that he didn't know and didn't care what other customer service reps had told Jane - that her phone was disconnected and he wanted a payment in full. Jane explained to him that if she treated her clients how this cell phone provider had been treating her, Jane wouldn't have any clients at all. He responded, "Well you must not have any clients or money at all otherwise you would have paid your bill by now."

I forgot to add the small detail that Jane's friends and family who were 'in network' had called that same customer service line only to be informed that unlimited is truly unlimited - they could send as many pictures as they wanted with that package and it would not use up their air time minutes.

Full of piss and vinegar, Jane personally visited the cellular location. The in-store customer service representative said that Jane deserved a credit on her account and should not have been charged for the extra airtime because of the 'unlimited package' on her account. However, the customer service representative was unable to post any due credits to Jane's account because the account was noted that absolutely no more credits were to be issued.

The customer service representative, realizing this was unfair, inquired with the sales rep a few steps away. He informed both of them that sending pictures does use up one minute of airtime for each picture sent. Both of them stood there, the rep shocked and Jane not suprised, looking at each other. Jane asked to speak to the general manager. His response? "I don't know the answer to the question." Jane looked at him in heated amusement waiting for someone to pinch her arm. He continued, "I've heard people complaining about this sort of thing but I can't tell you exactly what came of the disputes. I'll have to do some research."

While Jane waited for him to research the answer to her infamous question, she called the customer service number. Jane reached a supervisor and explained the situation to him. He stated that he "knew for a fact" that she should not be charged airtime for any pictures she had sent from her phone, especially to in-network customers. "That's why it is unlimited to in-network customers. It wouldn't make sense any other way. Whoever you have spoken to in the past, I'm sorry, they were wrong and shouldn't have charged you." he said.

A few moments later, while the gentleman on the phone was reviewing her charges, the general manager stepped out and ALSO told Jane that it does not use up my airtime minutes to send pictures. FINALLY! The general manager wanted to review the charges on her bills himself and returned to the back to do so. The customer service rep on the phone calculated a credit due amount for her bill and they began making arrangements to get everything cleared up!

CRAP.

While Jane was still talking on the phone to the customer service rep, the general manager returned and stated that he regrets to inform her the charges to her account for lost airtime due to sending pictures are VALID. He said that sending pictures does use up airtime minutes and that unlimited is not exactly unlimited.

Jane can't recall if she passed out at that moment, threw her phone across the store, or contemplating setting fire to something close by. In the calmest tone she could fester, and an outreached arm with cell phone in hand, Jane said, "The supervisor on this phone said he knows for a fact that sending pictures in-network does not, or should not, use up airtime minutes. You are telling me something different. Please sort this out between the two of you." Jane handed him the cell phone. The two of them talked for nearly 10 minutes. The final conclusion - SENDING PICTURES FROM YOUR CELL PHONE USES UP MINUTES OF AIRTIME.

The general manager handed Jane's cell phone back to her. Jane asked the supervisor on the phone, "Am I mentally insane or did you not just tell me that everyone else I have spoken to is incorrect and that sending pictures does not use up airtime?" His response? "I know. That is what I thought. I feel like I have just been enlightened. I learned something new."

The general manager realized the ongoing drama of this event and out of courtesy did post a generous credit to Jane's account. Somehow this seemed to help.

I can only hope cell phone providers will get their act together. Maybe enough complaints or inquiries will be made that cell phone providers will change the deceitful marketing campaigns. Perhaps they have already done so and what happened to Jane is an issue of the past. Call them and inquire for yourself.

Myself, and Jane, can only advise you to:
1. Note the name and extension number of the person you spoke with ...
2. Call back five more times to be sure you are getting the same answer ...
3. Call at least one more time ...
4. Review your bill each month and details of your plan with a little more scrutiny ...
4. Stand strong with your shovel and get to the bottom of all the B.S.

*This post is not naming any cell phone provider specifically and remains as an opinion and speculation, however well-intentioned.

**Names have been changed to protect the privacy of shoveled individuals.

Domain Hoarders

This Crap Ticks Me Off . . . people who accumulate domain names, use them to post one tid-bit of information, and then hoard them in cyberspace for years never allowing any one else to take advantage of that domain.

Sure, there are the typical cybergeeks (no offense to cybergeeks - I am one myself) who sit around and spend their savings on purchasing domain names like www.lebronjames.com or www.howardstern.com in order to cash in when these celebrities become famous. If these geeks have the money, the insight to purchase these domains in advance, and build their retirement based on someone else who has a ton of money, Amen.

I'm talking about people who have these light bulb ideas over a Heineken and want to share it with the world via the Internet. They decide to purchase a domain or what I call "kidnap" a free domain, stay up one night thinking of some genius posting, and never do anything with it ever again.

I want to thank all of you one-time-posting-domain-hoarders for hogging up the fashionable domains names for your Internet one hit wonders. Here's a thought: set free some of those domains you haven't used in years and let someone else have a stab at them. And if I see you sitting at the bar with yet another pondering glow about you, I'll buy you two Heinekens. One for releasing your unused domains and a second if you promise to make your next light bulb idea something you will continue to use.

Clean Crap With Anti-Bacterial Solution

This Crap Ticks Me Off . . . people who think using a germ-infested towel with anti-bacterial solution is also known as "cleaning."

Let's think about this: You've just finished your workout at the local gym facility. Upon entering the lockerroom, you take note a certain gentleman, whom you saw on the treadmill sweating profusely just 20 minutes prior, is now exiting one of the shower stalls and drying off with a towel. You continue to your locker to collect your belongings. As you leave the lockeroom, you once again walk by the same shower stall to find his towel slump on the floor and without hesitation, you pick it up, put it in your bag, and take it to use after your shower at home.

Would anyone in their right mind do this?

Um, NO.

So why is it then, that some gym facilities leave a single towel and anti-bacterial spray bottle in random places throughout the gym to "clean" the machines? If we are all using the same towel to wipe sweat and body funk off of all of the machines, are we really cleaning them? Or could it be that we are merely smearing the sweat of two dozen people all over the seat and handles of that machine?

Sure, fine, so you throw in a spritz of anti-bacterial spray. For those of you that want to argue that anti-bacterial spray kills 99% of the germs, let me ask YOU this: Would you wipe your butt with the same piece of toilet paper some random person used before you? How about if I spritzed a little anti-bacterial spray on it? One more Crap Case closed.

I'm not done yet.

Some tanning salons have also been borrowing the clever "spray and smear" technique. They give you a clean fluffy towel. You tan. You sweat. You use the clean fluffy towel to wipe yourself down. You leave the sweated-on-tanning-lotion-ick towel in the room and leave the salon. Have you ever wondered what happens to your towel?

Get your crap shovels.

Some, and I repeat, some tanning salons take the towel you just wiped yourself down with, spritz it with anti-bacterial spray, and wipe down your used tanning bed. Moments after, your towel finally meets the laundry basket.

Why should you care? Because the bed you just tanned in that you thought was clean was cleaned the SAME way. Here's a thought . . . why even spend the money on expensive tanning lotions when you could just ask the salon manager if the person before you used some? If they did, you could lay down, sweat it up, absorb the lotion that person left behind and save yourself some cash.

Is this ingenious strategy to conserve energy? Is it to put the detergent companies out of business? Or am I the last person on earth to have a working washer and dryer?

When environmentalists suggested we become more conservative with water, I can't believe this was what they had in mind. The resorts and hotels of the country have it figured out; they ask their guests to reuse their own towels and linens when possible. They most certainly don't suggest we use the same towels and sheets of the person who slept in the room the night before us. Would it make you feel better if they smiled and said, "But we sprayed them down with anti-bacterial spray."

It's all B.S. Spraying and smearing is not cleaning no matter what anti-bacterial solution is being used to disinfect. And if it is, I guess I'll be working out and tanning at home. I have a washer that isn't afraid to get dirty . . . pun intended.